Overcoming Grief (A Tribute to my Papa)!

Grief is the most heart wrenching experience that anyone can ever go through.

It tears right through your heart and completely turns your emotions inside out. It comes in waves of all sorts of emotion that you cannot ever prepare for in advance. It’s the silent torture that no one ever warns you about until it happens to you.

But what can you do if you are struck with a sudden or expected loss of a loved one? Can you prepare yourself in advance for this loss if you know that your loved one is going to depart from this world soon? Yes and NO! To some extent if you are pre-warned that a loved one is about to go, you can plan the funeral, say goodbyes and all that. But NO, you cannot prepare your heart for the pain that grief brings when your loved is departed from you. However prepared you might have felt, when it happens, it always feels like it's been unexpected.

Recently a lot of people have lost their loved ones to this horrible pandemic of Covid 19 but there have also been lots of other people who have lost their dear loved ones due to other illnesses and sudden deaths like car accidents or worse suicides because it’s been too much for them to bare the current conditions.

Should you find yourself in this predicament, of losing someone you love so dearly, what can you do to help you get to terms with the pain that grief brings. And how can you get back on your feet again? More so, if you work for yourself like me and must motivate yourself to work again, how can you possibly do it when you are dealing with grief but also depend on your business/work to sustain you financially?

I am writing this piece to share my personal experience as someone who recently lost a dear loved one, my wonderful Papa.

My dear Papa passed away this March 2021 due to kidney failure. He was still strong albeit tired due to his kidney failure but still worked hard at his business and got on with life like most people do even if they are suffering inside. He still had life in him at 71yrs old.

As I write this, it's been 3months since his departure from this world of many troubles and I choose to celebrate him, his life and be grateful for the years we had with him.

My Papa was a quiet man, but very much a people person. He loved people so much that he would help anyone who walked his way asking for help whether he knew them or not. If he could help them, he did straight away without giving it second thought. He had a humble and generous heart, and He carried A LOT of responsibilities with grace and tact. Never complaining but looking after everyone as if they were his own. He loved this and that's what he lived for. To love and support communities, his family, friends and anyone who needed his help. And this is what made my Papa a wonderful man that He was! A man of very few words, but His actions always spoke volumes!

When he died, it hurt so bad that at the time, I never thought that I would ever recover, get back on my feet let alone be able to talk about him or my loss to anyone but family. Yet here I am, putting my painful experience on paper in the hope that someone might benefit what I'm about to share as things that helped me get back on my feet the only way I have known how through taking baby steps in dealing with my loss and getting back on my feet.

Not having been able to say a proper goodbye to my dad nor attend his funeral was the hardest thing to cope with after he had gone.

But I want to share some of the things that have helped me to gradually get back on my feet and accept the loss and try to heal.

Taking walks and sitting in my favourite places

I have taken regular walks to the river bank and sat in a specific place which I called my happy place. It’s a place I would normally go to recollect my thoughts, find calm and thing about all things beautiful, inspirational and just rest for a few moments.

If you have a favourite place you like to visit or sit in peace and quiet, go do that whenever you can and think about ONLY the good things that you remember about your loved one.

Talking about my loss to those I trust

Being able to talk to close friends and family has helped me get to terms with accepting that my dad is really gone but he will always be in my heart, and I can share all the wonderful things about him with close friends and family. We can laugh about his silent but funny humour, talk about the things that he loved and the people he cared about and the communities he supported and try to find out how to move forward in his footsteps caring for the people and the things that mattered to him the most.

Can you find someone or a couple of people you trust and can share your true feelings with about what you are going through with your loss? Tell them if you are struggling or if they can be of any help in any way or can support you emotionally or physically or both. I had friends offer to cook meals, babysit when needed a bit of space to cry or go for a walk and some offer to do my shopping when I struggled, others just prayed, phone in or texted to make me aware that their door was always open. Friends who care will do anything for you when you lose your loved one.

Drawing and Painting

I have gone back to my love of art because my Papa always enjoyed looking at my art. I have found sketching, drawing, and painting things that he loved or admired helpful. It’s been a helpful way for me to keep his memory alive in terms of what he enjoyed and loved. I'm not the best artist there is in the world, but I tried to do this to help me heal and because drawing and painting are very therapeutic.

Is art your thing or do you want to have a go? I would recommend it because it's very therapeutic. Any sort of art or crafts is good to help gather and calm your mind.

Writing journals, songs and prayers

Writing is one of the most therapeutic activities that a person can do to heal. It helps you process your feelings because through writing you process your thoughts in words on paper but the best thing about it is that once you write down something that is bothering you or painful, it almost feels like you have shared that burden with someone even if they are not around in person. It’s also a good way of letting go past traumas.

I personally have been writing journals of faith because I am a Christian and believe through my writing God can hear what my heart says more honestly and clearly than when I say it out loud sometimes when my head is busy thinking of something else. It helps me focus on what I’m trying to say, process at the time.

Hobbies

Find a hobby or start spending more time doing your favourite hobby.

I have felt that my energy levels emotionally to concentrate on work haven’t been available but when it came to something I would normally do as a hobby I have been present mentally 100%.

Pour your emotions into your favourite hobby. Be it reading, painting, running, cycling, singing, playing a musical instrument or writing deep emotional lyrics to express your deep feelings through a song.

I did focus on completing a particular song that I had started writing way before my dad departed. But having all my emotion poured into this project, helped me partially heal emotionally. Especially during the recording in studio.

You can hear this song ("SURROUNDED" by Angelina N Muller) on all major digital platforms and download the lyrics from Apple/itunes .

Have you a personal project that needs completion? Could you pour your painful emotions into completing this? You will have a sense of release emotionally when the project is complete.

Sometimes it’s amazing how much strength you will find within yourself to carry on after losing someone you felt was too dear to live without. This doesn’t mean your pain lessens, it doesn’t BUT it becomes bearable and gradually you realise that you can find ways of still holding on to your dear one’s memories alive within you even if you cannot see them.

Faith

Ultimately, I found that having faith, went a long way in helping me gradually heal, let go and realise that there must be more to life than what we live and breath on earth. I realised that our loved ones can not just perish completely forever!

What do you do if you meet someone who is grieving? LET THEM BE!

Always important to remember if you meet someone who is grieving to "let them be". If they want to cry or want to be left alone or want to talk or are just grumpy, JUST LET THEM BE! Everyone grieves differently. Something I did definitely learn through watching my family members grieve but also going through the different phases of my own grief. It comes in different waves which each brings their one emotional crash. But you get up from it all and learn to deal with each emotion as it comes. Same thing with others when they are grieving they will have their own way of dealing with their pain and you just have to let them be, give them that space they need to deal with their pain in their own way and be there when they need you.

I hope this helps someone today, or you that you, the reader can pass this piece on to someone who needs it the most right now. For in so doing, you are helping a grieving person know that they are not alone and also giving them some baby steps that they can take to help them get back on their feet.

If you are self employed and dealing with grief, you can not sadly do much except take out some time that you need and talk to professionals who can hep you out financially if you need that help as you get back on your feet.

You might be going through a tough time of losing someone you love, you can share your grief with someone you trust in your time. Don’t go it alone. Accept comfort from others if you are offered it until you get back to your feet again.

Let us stand together, understand each other’s grief, and help each other out when we can. Because grief can strike anyone at any time of any day in their life. Now more than ever, we need to show kindness to one another.

There are so many organisations that can help you through grief and should you need to talk to someone about anything or overwhelming feelings that you might be having due to grief or other sadness and worries, please speak to the wonderful team of Samaritans who you can reach by dialling 116 123 free call or please do call Cruise Bereavement Support on 0808 808 1677 (both contacts are UK based).

We can help each other "Overcome Grief"!

Article by Angelina N Muller

ReConnect Marketing Consultancy

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Listen to "Surrounded" https://youtu.be/tUPw3CkwOo8 and you can download lyrics here https://music.apple.com/us/album/surrounded/1571907130?i=1571907133